Childhood Friendships

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I recently reconnected with one of my childhood friends. It had been a good 30+ years since we last spoke. Now having lived life, having experienced life and its struggles, we got connected through our love of art and drawing - something we both share. This event got me thinking about my other childhood friends and a question popped into my mind:

Why do we form friendships from an early age?

Having worked with young children in my entire teaching career, I have seen first hand how quickly children become best friends with another child, then something happens and they move on to be best friends with another child. A big part of a primary teacher's job is dealing with all sorts of friendship-related issues: misunderstandings, power struggles, co-dependence, jealousy, to mention but a few... If you have children of your own, you will know what I mean. If you don't, think about your own childhood friendships. Come down Memory Lane with me and let's consider this:   

Are childhood friendships any different from our adult friendships?

To answer this question I had to do an exercise. I thought about the most prominent of my childhood friends. The ones who have stayed in my memory the best. I pondered on the 'lessons' they taught me about me, about life and about the way I perceive the world. In short, this is where my original beliefs emerged. 

My earliest friend (Friend #1) taught me how to be empathetic towards others but I confused empathy with playing small.     

My Friend #2 was strong and confident and so with her it was easy to be brave and explore our limits. However, she was more popular with the boys and the ones I liked liked her, not me!

My Friend #3 was hot and cold and I never quite knew where I stood with her. She also 'taught' me that the other children liked me only because my mum was their teacher...

Friend #4 was quite observant but pushy too and wanted to be accepted at any rate. From her I learned that facing my shadow was painful and so I figured that brushing it under the carpet is the best way to cope. 

Then life happened and I lost touch with all these four friends. These friendships came and went but the conclusions I drew from them remained with me for a long time. Even though I wasn't aware at the time, I was actually creating my own set of limiting beliefs.

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Why we form friendships at an early age is now pretty obvious.

The more I thought about my childhood friendships, the clearer it became that we form these connections to learn valuable lessons. Who we become is truly dependent on our environment as we grow up. In our interaction with our friends (and parents), we make our choices of who we are and what is important to us. 

Then adulthood begins with our big hopes of conquering the world, living a happy life and being in charge of everything. 

Only to realise that happiness and freedom are the most important for us, yet few people are truly happy and free, while most are pretending, showing a happy façade for the benefit of others while deep inside their heart is craving liberation! 

There comes a point in our life when we return to this core... 

to reflect... 

to see where we took a wrong turn... 

what lesson did we not learn well... 

where is true happiness...?

I needed my childhood friends to get me going. Because of the interaction with them, I created a version of myself that was 'functional' but it did not lead me to a 'happy adult'. This reminds me of the concept of 

The Hero's Journey

We are all Heroes. We all have our special journey that starts at birth and it has an amazing reward at the end of it (if we want it). We face difficulties and obstacles along our own individual path - these are the self imposed programs and beliefs that we are limited, that we are not enough, that we don't deserve, that we are not worthy, that we must play small, and so on... Overcoming these 'decisions' we took as children is how we achieve true happiness, fulfilment and freedom as adults. 
It is possible, I know it for a fact!

Thank you for reading all the way to the end! I enjoyed writing this blogpost and it has brought the insight and inspiration for a future workshop. 

Let me know if you are interested in exploring your childhood friendships with me. I would love to be of assistance.
    

The Next Good Idea

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Do you like setting goals?

Most people would say "Yes, of course!" and quite rightly so. We have been socially and culturally conditioned to aim for and pursue material success. How well we navigate along this path is measured by our tangible accomplishments, i.e. the achievement of our financial goals - the house, the car, the family, the holidays etc. We have also accepted that our value and worthiness depends on how we are perceived by others. This brings me to the next logical question:

How do you go about achieving your goals?

Most people would quickly reply that they make a plan of action. Some people would add that they do their best to stick to the plan until they reach their goal, no matter what. 

This plan of action normally has a set of steps that follow in a sequential manner and often, one step may depend on the completion of the previous one. The 'higher' or more difficult the goal is, the more elaborate the execution plan can be. However, it is believed to 'guarantee' the outcome with the exact specifications wanted. 

That is all well and good if it makes the person following the plan happy and free but is this always the case? 

I want to disturb the waters a bit and start by sharing my personal experience about planning. 

If the goal is for us to feel happy and free (because we have been given this life to be happy and free, right?) what would be the set of steps to follow?

Or is it all a bit of a contradiction?

We want to be free, yet we must follow a plan? Freedom and following a predetermined plan seem to be total opposites in my opinion, aren't they?

Here is an example to clarify my point.  

In September 2020 an allotment became available so my partner and I jumped at the opportunity to grow our own food. It was a 'field of lush grass' and could hardly be labelled as a vegetable garden. We had no idea what to do with it, how to arrange it, but we knew we had to dig the grass out and de-weed the whole plot. So we just took the action that was 'the next good idea'. 

Where do we start? Well, over here! - There was a patch with some evidence of previous cultivation, a spot with less grass on. 

When that patch was dug up, the next step was revealed: now dig over here! And we dug over here...

Before long a path 'appeared' and we created it. Then a second path 'emerged', and the basic structure of the future plot was 'obvious' - a square with two paths running through the length and crossing each other in the middle. 

By January we had started digging the third of the four quarters and a polytunnel (greenhouse) 'perched' on the fourth because it was 'the next good idea'.

We knew the soil needed to be improved and digging on its own wasn't going to be enough for that. A simple casual conversation done in passing lead to a pile of manure being delivered. It turned up without previous planning, only by roughly knowing we needed it and thinking it would be 'the next good idea'.    

Then there was a storm that ripped the plastic sheet of the polytunnel so the next good idea was to fix it, reinforce it, learn form the experience and make sure it doesn't happen again. In the process, we came up with a new idea of how to use the land around the polytunnel to grow even more vegetables. 

Then we moved on to creating a seating area where we could have a well-deserved cup of tea after all the work. It was a rough idea to begin with - just a few slabs of paving for a table and two chairs - but as we moved our attention to it, trellises and raised beds were imagined. What can be imagined, can be created, right? And so work began on the next good idea! No plan, just going along, persevering at the obstacles, and using creativity along the way. 

A pond for a frog to eat the slugs so they don't eat our cabbages? - Excellent next idea! 

A compost heap to collect all the rubbish and reuse next year as compost? - Excellent idea! 

A cold frame for seedlings next to the polytunnel? - Excellent idea!  (still in progress)

You would think this has cost us a fortune of our hard-earned money, right? But you would be totally wrong! Pallets, pallets and pallets again - we have used a huge amount of free wood from those and we have been creative about reusing materials that would otherwise end up on the tip. One simply cannot plan for when the pallets will arrive, so forget planning, do the next good idea towards feeling happy and fulfilled.  

One would look in total astonishment at the picture of our allotment today, "Gosh, never seen an allotment like that! You must have planned it so well at the start, it looks so well organised!"

But the truth is, we didn't set it as a goal when we began. In fact, we had no clue what to do, how to arrange it, what to grow, where to start... All we had was the excitement and the freedom to be in charge of this plot of land and make good use of it. Most of what you see today is the result of improving on something we did that needed to be fixed or changing direction because of it. 

The one constant element was not the set plan of action but the flexibility to change and adapt while learning from the experience and being grateful for both the difficulties and the blessings. 

In conclusion

What I really want to communicate here is that having a strict, well-thought-of plan before taking action doesn't really work for me. In those times when I have been forced to plan ahead, in my 21-year long teaching career, I have always ended up diverting from the plan. I remember spending long hours planning lessons, thinking ahead what the kids MIGHT find difficult and thinking what MIGHT help them better understand the material, only to discover that the learning blocks were not the ones I thought would be but completely different ones so this detailed lesson planning was time was all but wasted! 

So what is the point in meticulous planning? 

To some people planning in advance may be a good comfortable activity. It may create a sense of power, that they are in control of the circumstances.  For me, looking back on my teaching career, it only caused me stress and overwhelm. It overloaded my brain to remember all the steps, and then I had to change the steps anyway so there was additional stress that I wasn't following the plan... a vicious circle!       

"Just because you made a good plan, doesn’t mean that’s what’s gonna happen."

~Taylor Swift

It is so much easier to drop the 'big plan' idea and to start taking small steps, one after the other, acting upon 'the next good idea' while trusting in your own ability that you can face any difficulty or solve any problem if or when it arises and not planning ahead how to solve the problems that MIGHT appear because they MIGHT not appear just as well. Isn't this a much better way of achieving a sense of security - instead of doing your best at the impossible task of controlling the external environment? Security and trust from the inside out, letting go of the need to control everything around you.

And here is an added bonus - this new way of doing things is a much certain driver of action because you are not feeling overwhelmed before you have even begun.

As always, I would love to read your thoughts on this 'next good idea' suggestion.