I recently reconnected with one of my childhood friends. It had been a good 30+ years since we last spoke. Now having lived life, having experienced life and its struggles, we got connected through our love of art and drawing - something we both share. This event got me thinking about my other childhood friends and a question popped into my mind:
Why do we form friendships from an early age?
Having worked with young children in my entire teaching career, I have seen first hand how quickly children become best friends with another child, then something happens and they move on to be best friends with another child. A big part of a primary teacher's job is dealing with all sorts of friendship-related issues: misunderstandings, power struggles, co-dependence, jealousy, to mention but a few... If you have children of your own, you will know what I mean. If you don't, think about your own childhood friendships. Come down Memory Lane with me and let's consider this:
Are childhood friendships any different from our adult friendships?
To answer this question I had to do an exercise. I thought about the most prominent of my childhood friends. The ones who have stayed in my memory the best. I pondered on the 'lessons' they taught me about me, about life and about the way I perceive the world. In short, this is where my original beliefs emerged.
My earliest friend (Friend #1) taught me how to be empathetic towards others but I confused empathy with playing small.
My Friend #2 was strong and confident and so with her it was easy to be brave and explore our limits. However, she was more popular with the boys and the ones I liked liked her, not me!
My Friend #3 was hot and cold and I never quite knew where I stood with her. She also 'taught' me that the other children liked me only because my mum was their teacher...
Friend #4 was quite observant but pushy too and wanted to be accepted at any rate. From her I learned that facing my shadow was painful and so I figured that brushing it under the carpet is the best way to cope.
Then life happened and I lost touch with all these four friends. These friendships came and went but the conclusions I drew from them remained with me for a long time. Even though I wasn't aware at the time, I was actually creating my own set of limiting beliefs.
Why we form friendships at an early age is now pretty obvious.
The more I thought about my childhood friendships, the clearer it became that we form these connections to learn valuable lessons. Who we become is truly dependent on our environment as we grow up. In our interaction with our friends (and parents), we make our choices of who we are and what is important to us.
Then adulthood begins with our big hopes of conquering the world, living a happy life and being in charge of everything.
Only to realise that happiness and freedom are the most important for us, yet few people are truly happy and free, while most are pretending, showing a happy façade for the benefit of others while deep inside their heart is craving liberation!
There comes a point in our life when we return to this core...
to reflect...
to see where we took a wrong turn...
what lesson did we not learn well...
where is true happiness...?
I needed my childhood friends to get me going. Because of the interaction with them, I created a version of myself that was 'functional' but it did not lead me to a 'happy adult'. This reminds me of the concept of
The Hero's Journey
We are all Heroes. We all have our special journey that starts at birth and it has an amazing reward at the end of it (if we want it). We face difficulties and obstacles along our own individual path - these are the self imposed programs and beliefs that we are limited, that we are not enough, that we don't deserve, that we are not worthy, that we must play small, and so on... Overcoming these 'decisions' we took as children is how we achieve true happiness, fulfilment and freedom as adults.
It is possible, I know it for a fact!
Thank you for reading all the way to the end! I enjoyed writing this blogpost and it has brought the insight and inspiration for a future workshop.
Let me know if you are interested in exploring your childhood friendships with me. I would love to be of assistance.
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