On Gratitude

"Practise Gratitude", they would say. 

"Be more grateful", they would advise. 

Yet I was getting more and more confused... 

Photo by Puwadon Sang-ngern from Pexels

Over the years of my personal development journey I really couldn't quite comprehend this thing called Gratitude. Maybe because I do consider myself grateful already, doing my best to serve people around me and having good 'please' and 'thank you' manners that always go with my big smile. Or maybe because as a child I had the example from novels and children's stories of how one should NOT BE (e.g. one character criticizing another "How ungrateful you are!"). But I hadn't really made the point of understanding this one fundamental thing:

What does Gratitude really mean?

Recently, this word has been ringing in my ears from various directions. To me as a self-aware and self-observing person this meant that I had to pay attention and spend some time with GRATITUDE.

The first Aha! moment came from a book I use quite often ("Emotions and Essential Oils"). In there, in the entry about a certain essential oil it says that gratitude is the expression of complete acceptance and abundance. Well, I wasn't thinking of Gratitude in these terms at all! But it does make sense, really!

"A grateful person is content with what they have." the book continued. This was the second Aha! of the morning! I never thought of Gratitude as being in the state of contentment - a grateful person is content to be where they are, who they are, regardless of the circumstances they are in. 

So, the true meaning of Gratitude came to me when I realised that a grateful person is happy to accept BOTH their blessings and their challenges.

This is where I wasn't getting it: 

How can I be content with my challenges?! Especially when they are current, happening right now, feel sore, making me unhappy, tense, angry, and feeling like a victim, right?! It seems easier to be grateful about past events that I have lived through and learned the lessons form, like my divorce, 9 years ago. Right now I feel grateful that it happened but while it was unfolding I was totally miserable and suicidal. I was resisting it, wanting to control, to be in charge so I wouldn't lose the persona I had created for myself.

This is what I discovered this morning:

When we learn to feel true appreciation for life, this is when we become fully grateful. We want to drop the ego and allow the soul to surrender and accept life exactly as it is. To let go and find appreciation for all of the life circumstances and experiences. This is where real growth happens. Especially so if we didn't have this example as we were growing up.

My childhood was a good one (I am grateful for it), but my parents didn't know the meaning of Gratitude either. They would preach to me that I should be the best at everything, better that other children and if I wasn't quite managing all that, they would be telling me off. Comparing, judging, only accepting the 'good' and fighting the 'bad', was what I learned to do. I developed a perfectionist type of mentality which meant that doing the good, the right thing, in the best possible way was what made me a good person, worthy of love. There was no space (in my perception) for mediocrity, 'bad' choices, and not performing at my best. Never in my life had I seen a true application of Gratitude and how powerful it could be for someone to be in such a state of BEing.  

In my further search, I found it interesting to discover that David Hawkins' Map of Consciousness doesn't feature Gratitude in it. He can't have just missed it out by accident, a sensible scholar of his status... Contentment isn't there either... 

But I found this! On 10th Sep 2018, the Dalai Lama tweeted,

"A sense of contentment is crucial to being happy. Physical health, material wealth and friends contribute to this, but contentment governs our relations with them all. "

In other words, in order to feel happy, we first need to feel gratitude and contentment, which is a joyful state full of love and peace. Love is at 500, Peace - at 540, and joy - at 600 along that Map of Consciousness. This makes me believe that Gratitude is this state of being that helps us raise our level of consciousness. From an elevated level of consciousness, the lower emotions of fear can't exist. Then it becomes easy to accept the 'bad' just as well as the 'good', and I would dare even say that 'good' and 'bad' merge into one, and lose their labels. From this state of contentment, it is not even a question of how to accept and appreciate an illness, a heart-break or a loss, something that is happening now. Accepting life, trusting the Universe, letting go of ego - that is what Gratitude stands for me now, having been researching and breathing the wafts of this specific essential oil all morning.

"Through complete surrender and acceptance, the soul may be brought into peace and harmony." says the Emotions book about Spikenard essential oil.

Spikenard!

Spikenard has been in my oil collection for a couple of years but I haven't really bonded with it. Let's say, it wasn't an aroma that I was too keen on. But then I found out that this special oil brings the gift of Gratitude, so I quickly reached for it.

I knew I really needed Spikenard when I read this other sentence in the book,

"Spikenard encourages and assists individuals in seeing the deeper meaning in their lives. It supports them in feeling joy and happiness for other people as well as for themselves."

In another book on Spikenard this was confirmed:

"Spikenard is a great oil for honouring the unique gifts you have brought with you. If you find this oil's aroma not to your liking, it is a strong indicator that you have not unveiled what makes you special and are playing small.

Spikenard will remind you to begin and end each day with gratitude, as well as remaining grateful moment by moment.

When you count your blessings and not your sorrows, the Universe responds by sending blessings and more abundance to touch your life."

Gifts of the Essential Oils

Bottom line:

"Gratitude turns what we have into enough." (Anonymous)

Gratitude is not about ignoring the 'bad' and focussing only on the 'good' but accepting all, letting go of what feels uncomfortable, and as the energy clears one becomes more content, can see the bigger picture and learns the lessons to be had. Gradually moving to "NO MIND" as they teach in a famous Hollywood film.

Have you smelled Spikenard essential oil?
Do you like the smell of it?

And if your interest was sparked, here is where Spikenard comes form - Nepal

'Know Thyself' or The Search for Self-Understanding

Photo by Andre Mouton from Pexels

Developing a vegetable garden from a field into a farm has brought an endless list of benefits for me this year. Apart from the obvious nutritious goodness of organic vegetables, most of the benefits have come in the shape of deeper self-awareness - an intensified, laser-focused, hawk-eyed observation of my mental, emotional and physical state, moment by moment. My meditation has had the shape of digging, planting, weeding, watering and watching nature's constant flow.

So my latest reflection has been on the topic of STIFFNESS.

The definition of 'STIFFNESS' is 'the inability to move easily and without pain'.
If something was moving well before and now it has ceased, it has become 'stiff'. This has been the case with my body recently. Hence my self-knowledge focus has gone in this direction. 

Why is my body stiff when I wake up in the morning? I noticed that this stiffness is not really only connected to the amount of physical work. Three key questions were born:

1. Where in my body do I feel Stiffness? (What is the body communicating to me?)

2. How is this Stiffness working for me? (If there was a benefit to feeling stiff, what might that be?)

3. Where in my life do I feel Stiff? (What are the limiting beliefs that are holding me stuck?)

The answer to question 1 was easy - ankles and knees, sometimes hips and lower back. 

The answers to questions 2 and 3 required some more self-reflection and thinking of a higher kind.

Looking at the physiology of the body as a system, turns out the one key mineral that is responsible for the flexible, relaxed and not stiff muscles, is Magnesium. In fact, Magnesium, the fourth most fundamental mineral in the human body, that is involved in more than 600 cellular reactions, is actually deficient in more than half of the population! Shocking, isn't it!? Magnesium is crucial in relaxing the muscles. It has an active role in relaying signals from the brain to the body, naturally helps to balance heart rate, lowers high blood pressure and blood sugar levels, helps with the quality of sleep and is just as effective as anti-depressant medication when taken as a supplement! What an amazing mineral!?

True, when I take bigger amounts of my daily supplements (doTERRA's Lifelong Vitality) I feel less stiff. Point taken! Desi, always take your supplements. But also: Magnesium is in pumpkin seeds, spinach, chard, flaxseed, almonds, cashews and even in dark chocolate. Note to self: 'Chard! We have this growing on the Farm! Must eat a lot of that!'   

My self-study took me to my 'Bible' - the book that I often consult whenever a physical issue bothers me. Here is the extract from the part called 

Emotional aspects of Stiffness

"Your natural feelings, spontaneous forces, aggressive energies, etc. are being firmly tied down. You don't really live from out of your heart. Perhaps it is of much more importance to you how you are perceived by the outer world or how much you respect certain norms or rules. You don't allow yourself to live flexibly and freely! You are hard, demanding, condemning, stubborn. 

Inwardly, you feel small and dependent but you refuse to outwardly show this gentleness. You feel unstable on your own basis, unsure and afraid; you frenetically keep standing even if it's just for the eye of the others. Perhaps you proudly stick up your chest, but you smother your feelings. Because you don't allow yourself to live freely and joyfully and to fully spontaneously enjoy life, because you resist your gentle heart and longings - you possibly are angry or jealous, critical or judgmental, with people who dare to be joyful and to live without caring about restricting laws. Your spontaneous creativity is not allowed to exist; you live within structures and lines in order to feel something is 'safe'. You hold yourself back; sometimes you don't know what direction to take because you don't trust your intuition and your feelings. With small-minded thoughts you can make your existence very tense and narrow."

The Key to Self-Liberation - 1000 Diseases and Their Psychological Origins,
by Christiane Beerlandt

And this is where and how one can find flexibility:

• Dare to fully take hold of life with both hands.
• Allow those healthy primitive forces to come through, and feel that strong inner basis of your everlasting Living-self.
• Dare to be yourself: dare to get angry; free those feelings, no longer suppress those emotions.
• Listen to your wishes. Don't deny yourself joy.
• A human being doesn't fit into a framework: follow your nature, don't satisfy the expectations of laws and people, but the demands of your heart!

Some of these were limiting programs running in my subconscious mind indeed. 

Cleared them. 

What next? 

Body Symbology maybe?

Emotional Aspects of Ankles (from said book)

Ankles represent the flexible giving of direction and the taking of new turns. They are a symbol of yourself giving shape of your own life, not letting yourself be dominated by others, but instead, depending on your own authority, flexibly changing direction in your life to bring out that which is most profound inside of you.   

Emotional Aspects of Knees

Knees are a symbol of the power of your inner perseverance, of placing yourself in the centre in a strong and compelling way. Knees represent the ability to flexibly bend in life, surrendering to your deepest Self without resistance, willingly allowing yourself to glide on the path of true evolution. Knees also symbolise the power to stand up for oneself, not just allowing others to bend you.  

Emotional Aspects of Hips

Hips are the supporting power of your being, the structure, the solid lines you set up, after which you choose one well-determined direction in a resolute and self-aware way. Calmly standing still, considering yourself, in order to finally fo outward with power and flexibility, without hesitation. 

The common problem here is choosing... "Am I allowed to choose this path for my happiness or shall I sacrifice myself for others?" and as a result the choice is not made, energies are held back.

Emotional Aspects of Lower Back 

This is the place of the ultimate feeling of safety. This is the centre of the belief and trust in your inner power.  

Money worries, loss of a friend, of material things, no acknowledgement in your work, not being admired for your outer appearance or for your productivity, result in complaints in the lower back because you place the certainty outside of yourself!

• Dare to let your own light shine and radiate! Don't feel small and insecure, don't ignore your worth.
• Be proud of yourself, of who you are and who you are becoming.

How does this apply to me?

Some of this information rings well true about me. After all the years of personal development work I have invested in myself, it is now the time to start living in my own truth, for real, 100%. I still catch myself thinking that I am not enough, that I can't choose between the options or when I choose one path, I then regret that I didn't choose the other and this brings on guilt... No wonder my aches and pains appear at a time of transition from the perception of security (a full-time job) to the perception of instability, volatility and insecurity of self-employment. This is obviously all in my belief system, not the actual state of things, so changing of these perceptions will be the only way to get rid of the stiffness. 

Changing perceptions is my specialty. 

Two ways: PSYCH-K and Essential Oils. 

Easy!

So what oils?

I have been using these three with good results previously but now, after all the above considerations, it is all starting to make good sense.

Copaiba essential oil has been known for relieving pain. Emotionally, it helps to set aside the fake roles we have been identified with. Gets rid of feelings of inadequacy, guilt, shame, past hurts, self-loathing etc. But it also helps to stop worrying about the future. Copaiba invites courage to look inward and see what is there that is painful. As you see it, you can transform these old stories of victimhood and woundedness. This oil helps you to see the beauty and glory of who you are and what amazing choices you can select from life.

Lemongrass cuts to the chase. It is all about purification. It removes the ego and so you can see others as equals. It allows inspiration to come loud and clear through reducing distraction. "The way before me is clear"

Wintergreen teaches us to trust courageously. It helps us surrender the need to assert control, allows us to stop beating ourselves up and experience self-love and self-acceptance.     

Bergamot will make a good addition to this trio but I will use it topically on my ankles and knees in winter times only when I don't expose the skin to the direct sunlight after its application.

Conclusion:

With or without essential oils, with or without PSYCH-K, our pains and aches (stiffness) can be healed, properly, only if we heal the source of the dis-ease, the reason for the dis-comfort and the trigger point. Heal that and all stiffness disappears.   

Maybe you agree with some or all of what I have shared here. Maybe you disagree. I would like to know your opinion, regardless.

Am I too selfish? Am I too greedy? - By whose standards, dare I ask...

This blogpost was inspired by a comment I read in a Facebook group. This is it:

'Today I was handed a severance offer. I have been in this company for over 5 years and I am over 40. I want to find something more flexible, in a better location, and to have a chance to take on a leadership role.

A big part of me feels that if I take this offer, I will never find another job as good - it's work from home, with benefits, free health care, and decent enough pay. Although it sucks the soul out of me at this point, keeps me up at night and I can't travel when I want or live where I want. 

Am I being greedy? Should I just be thankful for what I have? What would you do guys?"

Being thankful and grateful for what we have is certainly a good starting point, no doubt about that. The state of being appreciative of what we have elevates our vibration as we focus on abundance and achievements rather than lack.

However, being grateful doesn't mean settling down for what is the current state of affairs and not wanting to change our circumstances. Quite the opposite is actually true. From a place of abundance and gratitude, we can create an even better life - for ourselves and for our loved ones. In fact, I'd go even further and say that we awe it to ourselves (and our loved ones) because we are more than capable of changing things around. 

This brings me to the topic of "judgement". 

Too often we do things out of fear of being judged. 

"Too rude!"

"Too selfish!"

"Too loud!"

"Too quiet!" and so on... 

But have you asked yourself, "Why? By whose standards am I too...[fill in the adjective]...?"

Imagine these two identical seeds that came form the same plant and ended up in two different environments through no action of their own, mind you. (This is true story - form my allotment!) One thrived and bloomed into beautiful flowers while the other one was left in the paper packet... Does the second seed now think that its brother was a selfish, greedy, inconsiderate show-off because it thrived and produced seeds of its own? Or does the first plant feel it needs to slow down and stop ripening its fruits not to hurt the feelings of his less fortunate brother?

Our judgements of ourselves are our biggest hindrance to evolving into the thriving humans we were born to be. We are our own worse enemy, especially if we grew up surrounded by "judgement" of what was or wasn't considered "socially acceptable behaviour". This is our biggest and most dangerous virus, our low level of self-respect, worthiness and self-love. As a result, we rush around like headless chickens, doing what we are told to do, felling like we are expected to feel, chasing other people's appraisal and forgetting our own navigation system which, by now, may be even malfunctioning due to years of constant neglect.

This brings to mind the story of the captain on a boat who found himself in a foggy night at sea, without a map. Luckily for him, he saw a glimmering light in the distance and shouted through his megaphone (or maybe he was luckier and his radio was still working), 

"Hey, you are heading in my direction, we will crash!" 

From the darkness, the reply came, 

"Yes, you're right! You're heading in my direction, better change your course immediately!" 

The Captain, with his ego as big as the boat, shouted back in rage, 

"Who do you think you are, telling me to change my direction?! I am a big frigate with lots of guns and torpedoes! You change your course right now!" 

Do you think his attitude changed when he heard the answer,

"Sorry, can't do that! I'm a light house."

Photo by ArtHouse Studio from Pexels

Lots of us behave like this Captain, motivated by status and the expectations of others, while suppressing our real feelings and avoiding our pain points. I was no different, I used to be like that myself. I believed life happened to me, events were either bad or good luck over which I had no control and I was expected to just do my best at driving my boat (do you drive a boat or do you navigate it, whatever the verb is...), forgetting about dreams of a better life for fear of being labelled greedy and selfish. Now, after colliding head-on with two lighthouses so far in my boat-driving adventure called life, I can honestly say this:

• Whatever one thinks about anything - they are free to think it as much as they want and it has nothing to do with me.
  
  
• My own happiness and other people's judgements and opinions of me are two separate measures. I can do something about the former and the latter is none of my business.
  
  
• I am living my life as a decent human being, treating others the way they want to be treated.
  
  
• I am worthy of love and happiness.
  
  
• I deserve to be fulfilled form what I do.
  
  
• I trust my inner navigation system to take my boat to safe waters, always.  

This is how I drive my boat now and I love watching the tomato plants on my allotment as they produce in peace and harmony their yummy fruit and seeds. 

Photo by Eva Elijas from Pexels

Leap Of Faith

Twice it happened!

Twice (so far) life made me face my fears. 

Third time lucky, as the saying goes, but I already think of myself as 'lucky' and blessed at the second time. This is what happened at the beginning of 2020...

Amidst all other social chaos, I found myself in a most difficult situation. In the long years (20 to be precise) leading to this one special day, I was used to going to work every day feeling stressed, worried and anxious. That I considered 'normal'. I got up every morning feeling tired before my day had even begun, depleted of energy and already fed up with everything and everyone. 

At the end of 2019 and the beginning of 2020, a new mental and emotional state started to take hold of me and it gradually grew in intensity with every school day that passed by... Did I mention that I was a full time primary school teacher at that time?

Well, I felt trapped in that job. But it was paying my bills and one part of me was saying that I should surely just stop being silly about complaining while another part was becoming increasingly resentful for carrying on and enduring this slow, yet steady, destruction of my soul as life was being sucked out of me, daily.

How does one deal with this!? To label it as 'tough' seems like an understatement. This was the culmination of a teaching career spanning 2 decades. It started in a posh private language school in Bulgaria, and was gradually coming to an end in a primary school in Luton. 

I wouldn't describe myself as a person who makes decisions easily. For that, I tended to rely on people around me, especially when those decisions affected my life. I am also quite a patient person and can endure huge amounts of pressure before it becomes unbearable. So, it wasn't easy for me to decide to take a leap of faith and move on from the job that I hated. That is, until it got completely and utterly unbearable and taking the leap of faith was the only 'leap' I could possibly take...   

''I quit'', I said, having figured in my head that I could always find another teaching job, if I really needed to... But my heart was feeling so happy to be out of the rigidity of full-time teaching and was craving freedom really badly!

What happened next proved the words of Kandyse Mcclure who said,

''Take a leap of faith! You will either land somewhere new or learn to fly.''

Gosh, wasn't that some absolutely new place that I landed on! 

In the process of breaking free from my restricting, soul-destroying circumstances I learned a whole lot of new things but this one is the ultimate one:

Engage in activities that make your heart sing and your path will be revealed in front of you, step by step. Trust the process!

This is exactly how our 'Farm' came to be...

When I first applied for an allotment (in Feb 2020) I was told I was number 20 in the waiting list so I thought 'well, that's that then, no allotment any time soon!' and put my energy and focus into other enjoyable activities - like cycling, which I hadn't done properly since my childhood and the empty roads of Lockdown One presented an amazing opportunity. 

Let me tell you, cycling at the age of 47 is not as easy as it is at 13-14 but it is just as enjoyable (if I were to ignore the pain in muscles I didn't know I had). However, it was a great fitness preparation for September when, to my utter surprise, an allotment became available! 

Before long I became the 'owner' of a plot of land as green and lush as the field next to it! There was no plan, just excitement! 

What did I need first? Tools, of course! 

Tools became available. Good quality tools appeared, so digging began... 

For weeks and months, in autumn's drizzle and winter's chill, the ground was getting turned once and muscles ached. Oh boy, how well did my trusted essential oils work soothing the backpain, the knee pain and even the sneezes of spring! Didn't they perform miracles!

With spring approaching, the plot was taking shape and, out of the blue, a polytunnel appeared - as a thoughtful birthday present - alongside new posh Hunters Wellies! The excitement was growing and the plot was unfolding it's potential for:

Deep thinking and reflection;

Self observation and awareness;

Relationship building and deep conversations;

Bonding with nature;

Satisfaction and gratitude;

This small patch of land was transforming fears that caught up with me from time to time but most of all, it was helping me observe how my life was unfolding in front of my eyes, while my heart was happy and my gut was leading the way.

And all that was even before we had started planting any vegetables. I discovered what my body was capable of and how well it recovered and healed.

Next, we knew we needed manure. And just like that, manure appeared. I never thought I could be so excited over a pile of shit! (The last batch for the season too!)

At another time, some wheels were needed to move two pallets from the back of a local shop to the plot. And wheels, from an old BBQ, appeared in the most unexpected way. So the pallets were transported to their final destination and the wheels broke right then, at the end, when their job was done and they had served their purpose.

A miracle after miracle has been happening. I'd call it lucky if I didn't know better - it's not luck, it's something else. It's living life from a happy place and letting the Universe deliver what you really need, in its mysterious, unknown ways.

Now this 'Farm' of ours is turning into an oasis of goodness, in any aspect of the word. With the new sitting area under construction, the idea of which defined itself gradually, as we finished planting the vegetables, I look back/over our plot of land in awe and gratitude. 

May this Farm be a source of love, inspiration and food for thought in the years to come, not just for me but for everyone else who gets to experience it and who gets touched by its grounding, healing and nurturing power. This is an invitation for you, my dear reader, to come along and sit with us, under the trellises, surrounded by the fragrance of roses and jasmine and share thoughts and ideas. 

With love,

Desi